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Beauty From Ashes

Updated: Sep 15, 2020

Man, this post is about to get real. I always find myself writing my deepest thoughts late at night or in the early morning hours. When most people are sound asleep, I am content with music playing softly in the background- typing whatever is put on my heart in the moment. And THIS, is heavy stuff.

I’ve been reminded a lot lately - even in the craziness of the world around us, that the life I have now was once an idea in my head I believed would never exist for me. I was broken. Some of you know and most of you don’t. Some of you may have assumed and others may have lived it themselves. My life was draining. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I thought I was going to be stuck in the same dark place and never find a way out.

An abusive, toxic relationship that crushed my self esteem, my self worth, the way I saw myself in the mirror. I was no longer beautiful, I was ugly. My brain was programmed to see it like I had been told over and over again. How do you leave someone or something that has kept so much of your time, energy and love? You see them on their good days and have faith that things will get better. But they never would. I realized the only people that would be able to bring me out of my darkness and brokenness were myself and the good Lord above. I was putting my faith in a damaged and broken person hoping he would change by himself, like he could wake up one day and just be different. And it was the first time in a long time, that I realized I needed to worry about putting myself first and someone else’s brokenness second. All the choices I had been making, situations I was finding myself in, my very clouded judgement, was finally clearing. And what a beautiful view it was.

Out of so much pain and hurt, I was blessed with the most incredible little girl. God knew exactly what he was doing even when I didn’t have the slightest clue. All I knew, was that this child was my whole world and I would go to all ends to give her the life she deserved. To be loved, to be happy, to feel safe. I uprooted my entire life, what was comfortable for me for over 6 years, was dangerously draining as well. I moved back into my mom’s house, in an empty spare bedroom sleeping on a mattress on the floor, just me and my 2 year old baby girl. And as pathetic as I felt, like I had failed as a mom, the relief was overwhelming. I felt safer than I had in a very long time. It was in these raw and very real moments, still feeling like I would never be deserving of someone who could love me and my daughter just as much, that I met the man I thought only existed in fairytales. That sounds so cliche to say but after years of what I dealt with, he really was my price charming. OUR Prince Charming. I went from being called disgusting to being told how beautiful I was every-single-day. From feeling lost to feeling right at home. From being controlled by how I dressed and who I could hang out with to being encouraged to do whatever I needed to feel like the best version of myself.

Having been friends and coworkers for awhile, Steve and I had already opened up to each other about our lives and current relationships. At first, it was more so for advice and to support eachother in whatever made us happy. But it didn’t take long to realize that what we thought was just a really great connection as friends, was meant to be so much more. I won’t share his story because it’s his to tell but through finding eachother, we found parts of ourselves we forgot had once existed. To some people it would seem like a giant, risky leap but to us, it just felt right. It felt so natural, not forced in anyway, like we were made for eachother. Especially in the way Kayleigh was so connected to him even before I realized that I was. There was never any hesitation, he opened his heart making room for two more and took on the role of being her dad so gracefully. They have built such a special bond over the past 6 years and watching it continue to grow everyday brings me the greatest joy. Knowing all the struggles and anxiety, fears and the unknowns that I had gone through to provide a better life for her, had purpose. Together we have created the life I always prayed she would have. He is her Dad, her protector, her hair stylist, her crazy dance move judge, her teacher, her friend and most importantly he is the standard for which she will judge all men. She will grow up, as will her sister, to know a man should be hardworking, slow to anger, the first one you can call in time of trouble or celebration. A man should never be afraid to show his emotions, to love wholeheartedly and make it a priority to be present in everything that he does. Day in and day out just by being him, we are constantly reminded of just how blessed we are.

Beauty from ashes is the most simple yet powerful way to describe my story. And this is only a piece of it. It it raw, it is honest, and it is my personal reminder to anyone who has experienced this kind of pain, that your story isn’t over. It’s never too late, you are never too much, and there is never anything too big for God to handle ♥

*I am here : judgement free, a listening ear, to answer any questions you might have or to walk by your side as you take steps in a new direction. You are not alone, no matter how alone you may feel.

****National Domestic Violence Hotline can help victims and survivors of domestic violence. Call 1-800-799-7233

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